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Baker's Edition 

am or Purrs m 



THE SUFFRAGETTES' 
CONVENTION 



Price, 25 Cents 




COPYRIGHT, 1889, BY WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 



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The 
Suffragettes' Convention 

An Entertainment in One Scene 

For Twelve Female Characters 
and One Male 



By 
JESSIE A. KELLEY 

Author of "The Pedlers y Parade," "The Village 

Post-Office" "Taking the Census in Bing- 

ville" "The Tramps' Convention" etc. 



BOSTON 
WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 



-psi 



3* 



The Suffragettes' Convention 



CHARACTERS 



Mrs. John Yates, presiding officer. 

Mrs. Silas Curtis, suffragette speaker. 

Mrs. Eben Altman, suffragette speaker, 

Mrs. Eldon Keener, anti-suffragette. 

Mrs. Oscar Dayton, anti- suffragette. 

Mrs. Jonas Harding, anti- suffragette. 

Miss Rosabelle Hyacinth, engaged. 

Miss Priscilla Prudence, would like to be' engaged. 

Miss Anna Helder, great on style. 

Mrs. Charles Bates, anti- suffragette. 

Mrs. Russell Sager, suffragette. 

Mrs. Francis Wood, suffragette. 

Silas Curtis, who becomes an ardent advocate of woman suffrage. 




Copyright, 191 2, by Walter H. Baker & Co. 



£)CI.D 31127 



Vuo( 



COSTUMES 

Miss Hyacinth should be well dressed in up-to-date manner, 
but in excellent taste ; Miss Helder extremely stylish apparel, 
hobble skirt, immense hat, much false hair, etc. ; Mrs. Yates, 
severe attire, very plain mannish shirt-waist with man's collar 
and tie, skirt also very plain, mannish hat; Priscilla Prudence 
in grotesque attire with hair twisted tightly into a small pro- 
truding knot behind, very small hat. 

The rest may be in ordinary costumes, if desired, although 
it always adds to the ludicrousness of the performance if absurd 
costumes are worn. The suffragettes should carry banners or 
wear sashes with the words "Vote for Women," "Woman 
Suffrage Forever," etc. 



NOTES 



The players should be careful to face the audience at all 
times, speaking slowly and distinctly. Practice the story tell- 
ing. Many a good story is spoiled in the relating. Give jokes 
slowly that audience may get the point and remember that conun- 
drums will usually bear repeating. Miss Prudence has a strong 
part and can make a great deal of fun by the actions and re- 
marks which show her soul-absorbing desire for a man. Silas, 
even when not having anything to say, should keep himself in 
evidence by putting head out of door often, making grimaces, 
nodding head, clapping hands, smiling or acting as if trying to 
suppress laughter, dodging back when fearful of being detected, 
then appearing again cautiously. He might even tiptoe out 
softly when the women are deeply interested in the speaker, and 
slyly touch one of the ladies, causing great consternation. In- 
numerable ways will suggest themselves to make this part a 
side-splitter. The women should act as they naturally would 
at such a time if a man's voice were heard repeatedly and 
could not be located : — be surprised, amused, angered, ex- 
cited, indignant, frightened. Put vim into it all. The suf- 
fragettes are ready at all times to criticize the anti-suffragettes 

3 



and vice versa ; many black looks, nudges and whispered 
criticisms being exchanged. Throughout the opening remarks, 
before Mrs. Yates succeeds in calling them to order, all should 
appear to be busily engaged in conversation, standing around 
in knots of twos or threes, but express the conversation by ges- 
tures, lip motions, etc., in order that there may be no noise to 
prevent the audience from hearing the remarks. Use local 
names wherever possible in stories, jokes and conundrums. 
Put all the action possible into everything. 



The Suffragettes' Convention 



SCENE. — The scene represents a hall suited for convention 
purposes, chairs arranged for the ladies, a desk or stand of 
some sort for the presiding officer, and a closet or wardrobe 
of some sort at back of stage for Silas Curtis. There may 
or may not be a curtain. The players may all be standing 
around stage as curtain rises or they may file in if there is 
no curtain. There is much confusion at first, all talking at 
once ; then out of the din gradually are heard the discon- 
nected remarks of the various women. 

Mrs. Russell Sager (shaking hands with Mrs. Francis 
Wood). Let me see — your name is Wood, isn't it ? And how 
is Mr. Wood ? 

Mrs. W. He is very well just now, thank you. 

Mrs. S. Any kindlings ? 

Mrs. Charles Bates (to Miss Rosabelle Hyacinth). 
Your literary circle is making a study of Browning now, I 
hear. 

Miss Hyacinth (gushingly). Yes, indeed. 

Mrs. B. What have you learned about the wonderful poet 
so far ? 

Miss Hyacinth. Why, we've discovered that he's just too 
cute for anything. 

Miss Anna Helder (to Mrs. Jonas Harding). Just see 
that cat of a Dayton woman eye my new dress. 

Mrs. H. (to Mrs. Oscar Dayton). I don't see how Rosa- 
belle Hyacinth does have so many new dresses. Her father 
can't be making much on the job he's got. 

Mrs. Silas Curtis (to Mrs. Eldon Keener). Rosabelle 
looks pretty to-night, doesn't she ? 

Mrs. K. Yes, but she makes up something awful. She's 
got a dreadful yellow skin. 

Mrs. Eben Altman (to Mrs. D.). That was a pretty girl 
with you last night. 

Mrs. D. Yes, that's Birdie Downey. 



O THE SUFFRAGETTES CONVENTION 

Mrs. A. Birdie ? Why do you call her Birdie ? 

Mrs. D. Because she's pigeon-toed, has crow's feet, her 
mother calls her a goose, her father has feathered her nest, and 
she has a bill with everybody. 

(Mrs. John Yates raps for order, but no attention is paid.) 

Mrs. S. Oh, I just love to travel. 

Mrs. W. Why do you love to travel ? 

Mrs. S. To see things, of course. 

Mrs. W. You can see things without traveling ; try Welsh 
rarebit and mince pie. It's cheaper. 

Miss Priscilla Prudence (to Mrs. B.). I saw you com- 
ing home from a funeral yesterday. Who was dead ? 

Mrs. B. Why, my old friend, Mrs. Smith. 

Miss P. Smith — Smith — there are lots of Smiths around 
here; which one was it? 

Mrs. B. The one in the hearse. 

(Mrs. Y. raps repeatedly, but to no avail.) 

Mrs. H. (to Mrs. W.). Who are those people who moved 
in next house to you ? 

Mrs. W. I can't find out a thing about them. They keep 
to themselves and don't seem to have anything to do with any- 
body. 

Mrs. H. Don't they have any callers? 

Mrs. W. I've watched that house carefully for a week, and 
the only caller I've seen was the garbage man. 

Mrs. H. Why don't you ask him about them? 

Mrs. W. I did, finally, but he couldn't tell me much. 
Just said, " Shure, ma'am, I don't know who they're afther 
bein', but I do know that they certainly do be havin' swell 
swill." 

(Mrs. Y. tries again to call them to order.) 

Mrs. K. (to Mrs. H.). Anna Helder thinks she is one 
of the four hundred. 

Mrs. H. Well, she looks more like one of the fifty-seven. 

Mrs. K. Fifty seven ! What do you mean? 

Mrs. H. Heinz — fifty-seven varieties — of pickles. 

Mrs. C. (to Mrs. A.). Has your new parlor suite come 
yet? 

Mrs. A. Will you believe me, they brought it at ten o'clock 
at night, and I sent it right back ? 



THE SUFFRAGETTES CONVENTION 7 

Mrs. C. Why did you do that? 

Mrs. A. Why? Do you think I am going to pay two hun- 
dred dollars for a parlor suite and have it sent out after dark so 
none of the neighbors can see it when it is brought in ? Not 
if I know it ! 

(Mrs. Y. raps repeatedly for order.) 

Mrs. Y. Will the ladies please come to order ? 

( Women continue talking. Mrs. Y. sighs, groans, shakes 
head in despair.) 

Mrs. B. {to Mrs. S.). You know my sister? 

Mrs. S. Yes, indeed. 

Mrs. B. She was taken suddenly ill the other night, and 
the doctor couldn't seem to help her any. She was in dreadful 
shape. 

Mrs. S. What did you do ? I saw her out yesterday. 

Mrs. B. I got her a new pair of corsets, and they put her 
back in great shape right off. 

(Mrs. Y. raps again. Tries to speak , but in vain.) 

Miss P. (to Miss Hyacinth). How did you like those 
collars you sent away for ? They said you'd never wear them 
out, didn't they? 

Miss Hyacinth. They were perfectly horrible. I wrote 
back to them at once and told them they were perfect frights, 
and that I wouldn't be seen on the street with them. 

Miss P. Did they send the money back ? 

Miss Hyacinth. No, they wanted to know what I was 
kicking about. Asked if they didn't guarantee I wouldn't 
wear them out — doors. 

(Mrs. Y. pounds repeatedly ; finally secures silence.) 

Mrs. Y. Ladies, we must proceed to the important business 
which awaits us. You know our procession was much delayed 
owing to the fact that there were several millinery stores on our 
route, and (sarcastically) of course the ladies had to stop to 
look in the windows, so I will make my opening remarks very 
brief. (Oratorical manner, with many gestures.) We are en- 
gaged in a glorious work — we are to free the women of this 
country — to free them from the shackles which have bound 
them for centuries. You know how earnestly I believe in this 



8 THE SUFFRAGETTES' CONVENTION 

great work, but I regret to say there are still some of our mis- 
guided sisters (antis nudge one another ; whispered remarks, 
etc.), who have not yet seen the light, so I have invited them 
here to-night to hear our eloquent speakers, hoping that their 
eyes may be opened to their wonderful privilege and duty. 
{More nudges, etc.) The time is coming, and coming soon 
{voice very loud and high), when women shall have the vote. 
We are not animals, we are not criminals, we are not lunatics, 
we are not children, and we will vote. There are pessimists 
(looking at antis) who say we'll never get the vote, but they 
remind me of the old lady who was watching the trial of the 
new trolley car. It took a good deal of time and labor to get 
it started, and the old lady, watching every movement with great 
interest, kept saying, " It'll never go. It'll never go." Finally 
it started and sped off down the track out of sight. The old 
lady with amazement written all over her face, but with con- 
viction in her voice cried out, "It'll never stop. It'll never 
stop." Ladies, we are going to get the vote and we are never 
going to stop until we do get it. I want the papers to give the 
utmost attention possible to our proceedings that the news may 
be spread broadcast over the country. 

Mrs. A. (rising). Madam President, may I ask what plans 
you have made for keeping the reporters alert? 

Mrs. Y. I have arranged that carefully. I had it an- 
nounced that early in the proceedings we should go into execu- 
tive session. 

Mrs. A. Very good, indeed. They'll be on hand. 

Mrs. H. (rising). Madam President, you seem very proud 
to call yourself a suffragette. Pray tell me what a suffragette is. 

Mrs. Y. A suffragette is simply a person who is trying to 
overcome the tradition that women can't throw straight. (Mrs. 
H. sits down.) Ladies — co-workers in our noble cause — and 
others — Mrs. Curtis has kindly consented to speak to us on the 
vital question, "Shall Women Vote?" I ought to explain 
that Mrs. Curtis, because of a delay in delivering her baggage, 
has not received the dress she intended to wear. She has, how- 
ever, kindly agreed to appear this evening without her dress. 
(Suppressed laughter, etc.) No, no, I didn't mean just what I 
said. I mean that Mrs. Curtis will appear with what she 
has on. • 

(Sits down quickly and fans violently.) 
Mrs. C. Ladies of a common cause — downtrodden sisters, 



THE SUFFRAGETTES CONVENTION 9 

the statement is made that a woman's voice is stronger than a 
man's. 

(Silas sticks head out of closet door.) 
Silas. That's because she gives it more exercise. 

( Women look around in amazement, but Silas has gone back 
and they can see no one.) 

Chorus. Was that a man ? Where is he? Did you ever? 
etc. 

Miss P. (rising). That sounded like a dear, noble man's 
voice. Where can he be ? I should like to clasp him to my 
bosom. 

Mrs. Y. He must have gone. Pray proceed, Mrs. Curtis. 
No doubt it was the janitor. 

Mrs. C. As I was saying, a woman's voice is stronger than 
a man's, and her mind — her mind is cleaner and purer — yes, 
purer and cleaner. 

(Silas puts head out cautiously.) 

Silas. That's because they change their minds so much 
oftener. 

(Dodges back quickly. Consternation ; chorus of exclama- 
tions ; some rise and look around.) 

Mrs. Y. I cannot understand this. 

Mrs. C. I will pay no attention to it. (Oratorical man- 
ner, growing excited.) As your presiding officer has remarked, 
we are engaged in a glorious work, we are marching boldly 
forward with the firm determination of breaking the shackles 
that bind our fellow women and make them slaves. (Yells.) 
Soon the mountains and the valleys will echo and reecho with 
our shouts for freedom. I say what is our country coming to 
— and echo answers, What ? 

Mrs. K. (rising). Madam Speaker, did I understand your 
question to be, What is our country coming to ? 

Mrs. C. That is what I said. 

Mrs. K. And you say echo answers, What? 

Mrs. C. (curtly). That is what I said. 

Mrs. K. Then all I can say is that there must be some- 
thing wrong with the acoustic properties of this hall. Who 
ever heard of an echo answering like that ? (Sits.) 



10 THE SUFFRAGETTES CONVENTION 

(Antis smile, while suffragettes scowl, whisper, etc.) 

Mrs. Y. (rising). I beg you, Mrs. Curtis, to take no no- 
tice of such insulting remarks, but to continue your most elo- 
quent speech. (Sits.) 

Mrs. C. (giving antis a withering look). The time has 
come when women must be allowed to vote. We have waited 
a long time. There are still some men and, I blush to say it 
{looking at antis), some women who sneer at our movements. 
There are even those who say our ranks are mostly recruited 
from those who are so old they have given up all hopes of get- 
ting a man. 

Miss P. (rising). I can testify that that is incorrect, for I 
can state from personal experience that I have not yet given up 
hopes. (Sits.) 

Mrs. C. Which proves conclusively, ladies, what erroneous 
statements are made. Still, why should women wish to marry ? 
{Excited.) They have no rights ! They cannot vote, they 
cannot go to the polls. They must slave over the wash-tub and 
the cook-stove while their husbands go to clubs. Think, my 
hearers, of the poor neglected wives all alone in great, gloomy 
houses, rocking the cradles of their sleeping babes with one foot 
and wiping away their tears with the other. 

(Silas puts head out.) 

Silas. That's quite a trick. Like to see her wipe her tears 
with her foot. 

(Dodges back, clapping hand over mouth to suppress laughter.) 

Mrs. Y. Where is that man ? Let us find him. 

(Women jump up, look under chairs, behind doors, etc.) 

Mrs. S. I believe it's just a trick of those mean antis. 

(Mrs. Y. raps for order ; women sit down.) 

Mrs. Y. We are sorry to have you so interrupted, Mrs. 
Curtis, but I think the villain must surely have departed now, 
as we cannot find him. Pray go on, Mrs. Curtis. 

Mrs. C. I say, Is it right? Is it just? Well, I guess not. 
I say no (screaming and pounding on desk), and if I had the 
voice of fifty hundred thousand claps of thunder rolled into one 
I would thunder forth, We will be free. We will have the 
vote. 



THE SUFFRAGETTES' CONVENTION II 

( Sits down, wildly applauded by suffragettes, while the antis 
preserve a frigid silence. ) 

Mrs. Y. (rising). We thank Mrs. Curtis for her optimis- 
tic words, and we are going to have the vote, but let us not put 
off our efforts until to-morrow, for although yesterday, to-day 
was to-morrow, and to-morrow to-day will be yesterday, never- 
theless, yesterday to-morrow would be the day after to-morrow, 
because to-day would be to-morrow yesterday and to-morrow 
will be to-day to-morrow, or would have been the day after to- 
morrow yesterday — or in other words, to-morrow never comes. 
The subject is now open for discussion. 

Mrs. D. (rising). The men have made out to govern this 
country ever since it was discovered by Robinson Crusoe, and 
I guess they will for a spell longer, so you folks might as well 
keep still. What would you women do in time of war if you 
had the suffrage ? 

Mrs. Y. Just what a good many of our men do — stay at 
home and urge others to go and fight. 

Mrs. D. Well, I'm against it because — well, just because. 

Mrs. Y. You are stealing our thunder. 

Mrs. D. How is that ? 

Mrs. Y. Aren't you saying you're against it because? 

Mrs. D. Yes. 

Mrs. Y. Well, that's our reason for — because. 

Mrs. D. Huh, because is every woman's reason. I don't 
believe women want to vote, anyway; they just think they 
want it. I believe it's just as Uncle Walt says in the Post. I 
have it here, so I'll read it for the benefit of (sarcastically) my 
poor, misguided sisters. (Reads or recites.) 

THE GREAT PRIVILEGE 

"Put on your Sunday bonnet, May — you know this is elec- 
tion day and we must go and vote." So spake the husband, 
combing hash from out his whiskers and mustache, and putting 
on his coat. "I hope you'll like the noble boon," he said, in 
tones of loud bassoon. "For it you've worked and prayed; 
for it you've squirted briny tears and skirmished round for 
twenty years and quite an uproar made. So let us hasten to 
the polls and vote for skates who spend their rolls to capture 
all the snaps." " I will not vote to-day," she said, " I want to 
dye my blue dress red; I'll vote next year perhaps." We're 
all just grown-up girls and boys who hanker for new sets of 



12 THE SUFFRAGETTES CONVENTION 

toys and will not be denied ; and when we get our precious 
boons they are not worth their weight in prunes, and so we let 
them slide. Them's my sentiments too. 

(Sits down loudly applauded by antis, frowned on by suffra- 
gettes ; whispers, nods, etc., by all.) 

Mrs. H. (rising). Talk about poor, downtrodden wives ! 
I know some of these suffragettes who leave all the dishes for 
their poor, tired husbands to do when they get home at night. 
Can they find any authority for that in the Scriptures ? Doesn't 
it say, "She looketh well to the ways of her household. She 
worketh willingly with her hands. She riseth while it is yet 
night and giveth meat to her household." Doesn't this prove 
conclusively that woman's place is in the home and that she 
should attend to those duties ? (Sits.) 

Mrs. W. (rising). If the lady will pursue her Scriptural 
studies a little further she will find these words : "I will wipe 
Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it and turning it 
upside down," which / say proves conclusively that men 
should do the dishes. Poor, tired husbands indeed ! Here's 
a poem I clipped from a paper which shows which is the poor, 
tired creature. (Reads or recites.) 

DOES MA WISH SHE WAS PA? 

"I wish I had a lot o' cash," 

Sez pa, one winter's night ; 
"I'd go down South an' stay a while 
Where days are warm an' bright." 
He set an' watched the fire die, 

Seemed lost in thoughtful daze, 
Till ma brought in some fresh pine-knots 
An' made a cheerful blaze. 

" I wish I had a million shares 

O' stock in Standard Oil," 
Sez pa ; "I wouldn't do a thing." 

Ma made the kettle boil, 
An' mixed hot biscuits, fried some ham 

An' eggs (smelt good, you bet !), 
Fetched cheese and doughnuts, made the tea, 

Then pa — set down an' et ! 



THE SUFFRAGETTES' CONVENTION 1 3 

"I wish I was a millionaire," 

Sez pa; "I'd have a snap." 
Next, from the lounge, we heard a snore ; 

Pa — at his ev'nin' nap ! 
Ma did the dishes, shook the cloth, 

Brushed up, put things away, 
An' fed the cat, then started up 

Her plans for bakin' day. 

She washed and put some beans to soak, 

An' set some bread to rise ; 
Unstrung dried apples, soaked 'em, too, 

All ready for her pies ; 
She brought more wood, put out the cat, 

Then darned four pairs o' socks ; 
Pa woke an' sez, "It's time for bed ; 

Ma, have you wound both clocks? " 

Poor, tired husbands indeed ! That's a sample of them. 
(Flounces down in seat.) 

Mrs. S. (rising). Yes, they're all pesky lazy. I saw Mr. 
Harris sitting on a stump in his yard one day when I was pass- 
ing, so I stopped and asked him how he was getting along. 
"Oh, pretty fair," says he. "I had some trees to cut down, 
but a cyclone came along and blew them all down and saved 
me the trouble, and then lightning set fire to the trees and 
saved me the trouble of burning them." Then he yawned 
and stretched and said, "Now, I'm just sitting here waitin' for 
an earthquake to come along and shake my potatoes out of the 
ground." 

Mrs. W. That's just the way they do things. 

Mrs. Y. Miss Helder has a few words to say to us on this 
subject, I know. 

Miss Helder (rising and coming to desk, much confused 
and embarrassed). Mr. — er — er — Mr. — er — Mr. Chairman — 
when T — when I left — er — er — (arranging hat) when I left 
home this evening — er — er — er — (feeling of belt in back) when 
I left home this evening only two people — er — er — er — only 
two people on earth (feeling of hair), my mother and myself — 
— er — er — er — my mother and myself knew what I was going 



14 THE SUFFRAGETTES CONVENTION 

to — er — er — say {twisting handkerchief), but, well now— er — 
er — perhaps mother knows, but — er — er — I'm sure I don't. 

{Returns to seat hurriedly, fixes hat and hair, pulls at dress.) 

Mrs. B. {rising). And still they say women should vote. 
{Raises voice.) What is the woman of to-day, anyway ? She 
is simply an animated being whose waist begins just below her 
neck, her hips have been planed off even with the rest of her 
body. She is usually buttoned up the back and around her 
neck she wears a section of barbed wire covered with lace. 
{Looks at Miss Helder.) She wears on her head a blonde 
haystack of hair, and on top of this a central dome with rings 
about the same size as those of Saturn. She is swathed in 
her gown like an Indian pappoose, and on the ends of her feet 
are dabs of patent leather. She walks on stilt-like heels with 
the expertness of a tight-rope dancer. The pores of her skin 
are full of a fine white powder. This is the fashionable woman 
of to-day, and she wants the vote. Is she Jit to vote? I 
say no. 

{Sits. Applause by antis. Black looks from suffragettes.') 

Mrs. K. {rising). And I say no as long as such incidents 
as these happen. The other day in a car I saw a woman open 
a satchel and take out a purse, close the satchel and open the 
purse, take out a dime and close the purse, open the satchel 
and put in the purse. Then she gave the dime to the con- 
ductor and took a nickel in exchange. Then she opened the 
satchel and took out the purse, closed the satchel and opened 
the purse, put in the nickel and closed the purse, opened the 
satchel and put in the purse, closed the satchel and locked both 
ends. Is she ready for the vote ? No, I say, no. Here's a 
poem I brought to read to these poor, misguided suffragettes. 
{Reads or recites.) 

Oh, woman, lovely woman — 

Sweet embodiment of grace — 
Don't you think that on the rostrum 

You are sadly out of place ? 
Don't you think that you look better 

In the quiet of your home 
Than when around the universe 

You undertake to roam ? 



THE SUFFRAGETTES CONVENTION 1 5 

Don't you think when on the platform 

You attempt to ape the men, 
That the effort almost certainly 

Suggests the crowing hen ? 
Do you think, oh, lovely woman, 

That this fury, fume and fuss, 
Will bring emancipation, or 

Cut any ice with us ? 

Your tongue, oh, sweet enchantress, 

We respectfully suggest, 
Makes the weary still more tired 

And the wicked long for rest. 
Thou hadst otherwise been perfect — 

Of all the virtues been the sum — 
Had heaven in its wisdom 

Only made thee deaf and dumb. 

So when, angelic creature, 

In the fullness of disgust, 
You come to the conclusion 

That you've got to talk or bust, 
Don't unload it on the populace, 

For decency forbids, 
But stay at home and give it to 

Your husband and the kids. 

(Silas opens door.) 

Silas. That's the talk ! 

Mrs. C. That horrid man has come back. 

Mrs. Y. We must find him. (All hunt.) It sounded as 
if it were in this closet. (Several try door, but Silas holds it 
shut.) There is no man in the room. There must be a ven- 
triloquist here. (Looks at antis.) Ladies, be seated. We 
will ignore it and go on with our next number, How Shall We 
Secure the Vote ? Mrs. Altman will now speak to us on that 
subject. 

Mrs. A. (rising and going to desk). It is a pleasure, ladies, 
to see so many here assembled to demand the rights which we 
never have had, and never shall have, unless we make a stand 
and show the tyrannical lords of the universe that we won't be 
trampled under foot any longer,, I see by the papers that 



l6 THE SUFFRAGETTES' CONVENTION 

women in England are not only talking, but working. Are we 
going to be behind our English sisters ? (Cries of " Never, 
never/ No /" etc., from suffragettes.) Let us learn a les- 
son from their enthusiasm. Let us emulate the example of 
these noble women. Let me read to you a little poem which 
shows their ardor. {Reads or recites.) 

VOTES FOR WOMEN 

The shades of night were falling fast 
As thro' an English city passed 
A girl who wore — it looked quite nice, 
A sash that bore this strange device — 
"Votes for Women ! " 

Her eyes flashed fire, her mouth beneath 
Revealed a row of pearly teeth, 
And like a silver trumpet rung 
The accents of her native tongue — 
" Votes for Women ! " 

"Oh, stay," the cabman cried, "and rest, 
Do not proclaim with so much zest ! " 
A half-brick caught him on the eye, 
He fell, and murmured with a sigh — 
" Blimee ! Votes for Women ! " 

At Westminster she saw the light 
'Neath which M. P.'s talk half the night; 
In the clock tower the said light shone, 
She twigged and answered with a groan — 
" Votes for Women ! " 

"Don't try to pass," her husband said, 

" The street is lined up right ahead 
And London cops are deep and wide," 
But still that clarion voice replied - — 
" Votes for Women !" 

At break of day as prisonward 
The savage cops, with one accord, 
Muttered an oft-repeated swear, 
A voice cried through the stilly air — • 
" Votes for Women ! " 



THE SUFFRAGETTES' CONVENTION 1 7 

There in the courtyard cold and gray 
They sentenced her at break of day, 
And from the judge's lips there fell 
A sentence terse that spelt her knell — 
"Forty bob or ten days." 

{Folds up paper. ) She was a martyr to a noble cause. Oh, 
for some martyrs on this side of the Atlantic. 

Mrs. S. It's easy enough to talk, but what are we going 
to do ? 

Mrs. A. That's just what I'm coming to. In England I've 
heard that there's a law that females shall be supported by their 
nearest male relatives, so the women all left their work and 
Hrent to live with their relatives saying if they could not vote 
they would not work, which very quickly changed the views 
of even the most deadly male enemies of woman's suffrage. 
We may have to resort to some such thing as that here if 
milder measures fail, but I think a little firmness and decision 
in the home is all that is necessary. Just inform your hus- 
bands that you refuse to cook any more meals for them until 
they vote for woman suffrage. That'll fetch them mighty sud- 
den. You can starve a man into anything. 

Mrs. Y. That wouldn't do in my case, for my husband is 
a good cook and can cook for himself. 

Mrs. A. Then you must try another plan. Lock him up 
in a dark closet or tie him down cellar with the clothes-line. 
- 1 have known those methods to work wonders in changing a 
man's views. 

Mrs. W. (rising). I call such actions disgraceful. Poor 
husbands don't have any peace as this woman's suffrage is 
dinned into their ears morning, noon and night till they must 
wish in their secret hearts that a woman had never been born. 

(Silas puts head out.) 

Silas. I speak for you for my second wife. 
Mrs. A. That dreadful man again ! 

(All hunt again. Chorus of exclamations and suggestions. ) 

Mrs. Y. I believe this place is haunted. There is cer- 
tainly no man here in bodily form. Be seated, ladies. 

Miss P. {rising). I would like to know how those of us 
who have no husbands can help secure the vote ? 



l8 THE SUFFRAGETTES' CONVENTION 

(Mrs. A. rests chin on hand a second and thinks.') 

Miss Hyacinth. Why do so many women rest their chins 
on their hands when they are trying to think ? 

Mrs. B. To hold their mouths shut so they won't disturb 
themselves, of course. 

Mrs. A. Can't you get a man to pop the question, Miss 
Prudence ? 

Miss P. No, it's as hard as pulling teeth. 

Mrs. A. And yet I hear both operations are often per- 
formed without gas. 

Miss P. (with hand on heart, uplifted eyes). Love would 
work a great transformation for me. 

Miss Hyacinth. I know it does in my case. When the 
gas is lowered there is a great transformation act— the leather 
rocker is quickly transformed into a spoon-holder. 

(Laughter.) 

Miss P. I don't understand why widows very seldom have 
any trouble getting a second husband, and I can't get even 
one. 

(Silas at door.) 

Silas. Because dead men tell no tales. 

( Groans of despair and inquiring looks.) 

Mrs. Y. I am convinced now that it is a spirit. You no- 
tice he said dead men tell no tales. 

Mrs. W. Speaking of widows, I'd like to know the differ- 
ence between a grasshopper and a grass widow ? 

Miss P. There isn't any difference. They both jump at the 
first chance. 

Miss Hyacinth. What is it a man never has, never had, 
and never can have, but can give a lady ? 

Chorus. Don't know. Tell us, etc. 

Miss Hyacinth. A husband, of course. 

Miss P. Oh, if only a man would give himself to me ! 
(Crosses hands over breast.) What a pleasure it is to have a 
man at your feet if it is only a bootblack. A woman's heart is 
like the moon, there is always a man in it. I don't see why 
these married women want the vote. Wouldn't they vote the 
same way as their husbands ? 



THE SUFFRAGETTES' CONVENTION IQ, 

Mrs. A. Yes, if they first tell him how to vote. 

Mrs. W. That's easier said than done. I told my husband 
the other day that by the end of the century woman would have 
the rights she'd been fighting for. " I don't care if she does," 
says he. "Do you mean it? Have I at last brought you 
round to my way of thinking? Won't you really care? " says 
I. "Not a bit, not a bit; I'll be dead then," he said. 

(Laughter.') 

Mrs. A. Can't some of the ladies give Miss Prudence a 
few points on how to make a man propose ? 

Mrs. C. Why does she want a husband ? She's better off 
without one. 

Miss P. Why did you marry? 

Mrs. C. I had a cat. It died, and 1 was lonesome. 

Mrs. B. (rising). Just watch your opportunity, Priscilla, 
and grasp it. I was in a restaurant with Mr. Bates and he 
says to me, " Will you have a little lobster?" " Oh, Charles, 
this is so sudden," I said as I fell into his arms, and / an- 
nounced the engagement next day. 

(Silas at door.) 

Silas. Stung ! Poor chap ! 

[More exclamations.) 

Miss Helder. Why do they call a man in love a lobster, 
I'd like to know. 

Miss Hyacinth. Because he has a lady in his head, of 
course. 

Miss P. What kind of a husband would you advise me to 
get? 

Mrs. H. (rising indignantly). You get a single man and 
let the husbands alone. 

Miss Helder. I wish they would use a new phrase and not 
always talk about the "blushing bride." 

Mrs. B. Well, when you see the sort of men girls have to 
marry it's enough to make them blush. 

Mrs. D. I never could see why a woman should take the 
name of the man she marries. 

(Silas at door.) 

Silas. She takes everything else, so she might as well take 
that. 



20 THE SUFFRAGETTES CONVENTION 

Mrs. K. {rising and looking around). I don't believe that 
is any ghost. 

Mrs. Y. If it's a man in the flesh I'd like to use the broom- 
stick on him for a few minutes. 

Miss P. I'm getting scared. Do you know, I was alone 
the other night when I saw a horrid-looking man. I just lifted 
up my skirts like this (raising skirt) and ran. 

Mrs. A. Did you catch him ? 

Mrs. S. (has been writing with fountain pen ; giving pen a 
shake). This fountain pen reminds me of some husbands — 
expensive, can't be depended upon, won't work and half the 
time it's broke. 

(Silas puts head out.) 

Silas. 'Tain't like a woman. A fountain pen will dry up 
and a woman won't. 

(Exclamations j sighs, groans.) 

Mrs. W. There are some good husbands. I'd like to ask 
why a good husband is like dough ? 

Mrs. K. A good husband like dough ? 

Mrs. W. Yes. Because a woman needs (kneads) him. 

Miss Helder. Do you know that brakemen and clergymen 
are in much the same business ? 

Miss P. How do you make that out ? 

Miss Helder. Don't they both do a good deal of coupling ? 

Miss P. Oh, how I long to be coupled ! 

Mrs. A. Can't you give Miss Prudence some enlighten- 
ment, Miss Hyacinth ? I hear your engagement has just been 
announced. 

Miss Hyacinth (rising). I am so happy — ever since my 
engagement to George the whole world seems different. I do 
not seem to be in dull, workaday America, but in 

Miss Helder. Lapland. (Laughter.) You really ought 
to pull down the blinds, Rosabelle. The neighbors aren't blind, 
if love is. I don't believe in kissing any more. It isn't sani- 
tary. Germs and microbes lurk in every kiss. 

Miss Hyacinth (indignantly). Well, they will never do 
away with kissing, so what are you going to do about it ? 

Mrs. A. I should advise that at least you sterilize every 
kiss, or if this is not possible, take a sanitary gargle after every 
fifth kiss. Can't you tell Miss Prudence how he proposed ? 

Miss Hyacinth. He said I was the only girl he ever loved. 



THE SUFFRAGETTES' CONVENTION 21 

Miss P Oh, why doesn't some one tell me that ? 
Miss Helder (rising). Huh, that's what a man told me 
once, and I dismissed him at once, telling him never to return 
until he had ceased to be a bungling amateur 
Miss P. Why didn't you send him to me? 
Miss Helder. He came again in six months and I said : 
« Am I still the only girl you ever loved ? " " I cannot tell a 
lie " says he : « you are simply the best one of the bunch. 

Mrs H. (sneeringly). Suppose he told you that you were 
worth your weight in gold ? . . 

Miss Helder. Indeed, he wasn't such a back number as 
that. He told me I was worth my weight in radium. 
Miss P. Are you engaged to him now ? 
Miss Helder. No ; he took me to the aviation meet and 1 
wanted him to carve our initials on the gas bag, but he wouldn t, 
so I broke the engagement. 

Miss P. {excitedly). Where does he live? Was he broken- 
hearted ? Perhaps I can heal his poor heart. 

Miss Helder. He threatened first to buy a revolver and 
blow out his brains, but I told him not to go to that expense, 
just to get a pinch of snuff and sneeze and that would do it in 
his case. 

Mrs. A. That was rather insulting. 

Miss Helder. Not as bad as he said to me. Told me he 
guessed he was lucky to get rid of me, that I was only a sum- 
mer girl, anyway. ■ 

Mrs A. Just what is the definition of a summer girl ? 
Miss Helder. He said that a summer girl is a rack to 
stretch shirt-waists on— inside is a compartment for lobster 
salad, ice-cream and chocolates, while outside is an attachment 
for willow plumes, lace gowns and diamond rings. (Sits down.) 
Mrs. A. We are getting away from our subject. Miss 
Hyacinth, what did he do after he proposed? # 

Miss P. , Oh, do tell. This is so absorbingly interesting ! 
Miss Hyacinth (twisting ring). Oh, he sighed and 1 
sighed. 

Mrs. H. Must have been a circus. 

Miss Hyacinth. No, only a side (sighed) show 1 hen 
he wanted to take my picture, said I was sweet enough to eat, 
and I asked him if that was why he wanted to put me on a 

Pl Mrs K** Mush and molasses! There'll be a change. 
Makes me think of a rhyme I used to know. (Recites.) 



22 THE SUFFRAGETTES CONVENTION 

Before the maiden married him 

And got him in her power, 
To sew a button on his coat 

Would take her just an hour. 
But things are very different now, 

For when her aid he seeks, 
To sew that button on his coat 

It takes her several weeks. 

Mrs. A. I hope you have received some enlightenment 
from our discussion of this subject, Miss Prudence, but my 
experience has been that the woman who can support a hus- 
band in good style doesn't generally have much trouble finding 
a husband to support. 

Mrs. C. (rising). Perhaps some of these present who are 
so anxious to enter matrimony ought to hear this story. It may 
prove a warning. An archbishop was administering confirma- 
tion and asked a nervous little girl what matrimony was. " It 
is a state of terrible torment which those who enter are com- 
pelled to undergo for a time to prepare them for a brighter and 
better world." "No, no, that's the definition of purgatory," 
says the priest. "Perhaps she's right, perhaps she's right," 
replied the archbishop. " What do you and I know about 
it?" 

Mrs. Y. Some of us know she was right. 

Miss P. I'd gladly take the risk. 

Silas (at door). You'll never get the chance, so don't 
worry. 

Mrs. Y. Ladies, what shall we do ? Do let us hunt again. 
(Another search, with suggestions and exclamations.) This is 
the strangest thing. We might as well proceed. 

Miss Hyacinth (rising). George cut this out of the paper 
and wanted me to read it to you. (Reads.) 

HOW SHE HAS CHANGED 

She does not look like once she did, 

A change we cannot fail to note ; 
The bloom of youth has come upon 

The woman who demands the vote. 
Remember what she used to be? 

An ancient damsel with a face 
That would upset the old town clock 

When she spoke in a public place; 



THE SUFFRAGETTES' CONVENTION 23 

An old poke bonnet, grim black dress 

And side curls that defiance screamed ; 
Of straight front corsets, marcel waves 
And picture hats she never dreamed. 
She used to shout a wild harangue 

And pound the table with her fist, 
As she demanded women's rights 

And placed all men on Satan's list. 
Of course she did her best 

But somehow men refused to fall 
For her insurgent arguments 

Delivered in the old Town Hall 
How different a creature is 

The dainty, modern suffragette, 
With pleasant smile and piles of hair, 

Surmounted with a trim aigret ! 
Experience has made her wise ; 

She's not defiant any more, 
And, planning her franchise campaign, 
She first goes to the dry -goods store. 
Her arguments are of the kind 

She knows will jolly men along ; 
She fixes it so they can't fail 
To listen to her siren song. 
She doesn't hire the old Town Hall 

And rain abuse and satire reel, 
But at the quiet fireside now, 

She makes her eloquent appeal. 
She doesn't call unpleasant names, 

And doesn't fret or fume or fuss; 
She's going to win out some day 
For she certainly looks good to us. 

I know George will vote for woman suffrage if I want him to. 
Woman's influence over man is wonderful. 

Silas (putting head out}. Huh! 

Miss Hyacinth. I've just been reading of a man who had 
reached the age of forty and had never Earned to read or 
write. He met and loved a woman, and for her sake he made 
a scholar of himself in two years. (Sits.) 

Mrs. S. (rising). That's nothing. I knew a man who was 
a profound scholar at forty, then he met a woman, and for her 
sake he made a fool of himself in a day. Don't you be too sure 



24 THE SUFFRAGETTES' CONVENTION 

of your husband voting as you want him to. It's one story be- 
fore and another after they're married. Here's another one of 
your man poems— shows how deceitful the male creatures are 
and what they plan to do when they have you safely landed. ' 

{Reads.) 

THE FEMALE PERIL 

When Bella came back home from coll., 

She vowed it was her special mission 
To practice as a female pol- 
itician. 
I told her the career was rough, 

But Bella didn't care a button ; 
Though tender, she at times is tough, 

Like mutton. 
So Bella joined the Suffrage cause, 

With brickbats and a stout umbrella, 
And broke some window panes (and laws'), 
Oh, Bella ! ' 

Prison, I thought, will make her quail ; 

Alas ! I soon perceived my folly, 
She merely said she found the gaol 

Quite jolly. 
It nerved her to a new attack ; 

Fresh schemes within her head had risen, 
And soon I wished my Bella back 

In prison. 
The vote itself will barely do, 

She makes a higher bid for freedom, 
And wants her sex admitted to 

M. P. dom. 
Now, though all this upsets my gorge, 

I cannot ask her yet to drop it. 
But when I've married her, by George, 
I'll stop it ! 

(Silas opens door and claps.) 
Miss Hyacinth. George wouldn't do that. 
Mrs. S. {scornfully). Oh, no, George wouldn't. (Sits ) 
Mrs. A I will only say in closing my remarks what the 
serpent said after Eve had been created and stood before 



THE SUFFRAGETTES CONVENTION 25 

Adam's eyes. "What do I see?" cried Adam. "Your 
finish," hissed the serpent as it glided off into the grass. So I 
say we see to-day the finish of man's age-long tyranny. 

(Sits, applauded by suffragettes.') 

Mrs. W. (rising). I would like to ask the speaker why it 
was that the serpent didn't give the apple to the man ? 

Mrs. A. (rising). Because it knew very well that the man 
would be selfish enough to eat it all himself, but that unselfish 
woman would go halves. 

Mrs. W. Men are fools anyway. They climb a tree to 
shake the fruit down when, if they waited long enough, it would 
fall down ; they go to war and kill one another when, if they 
only waited, they'd die naturally, and they run after the women 
when, if they didn't do so, the women would run after them. 

Miss P. (looking over shoulder). I don't see many running 
after me. 

Mrs. Y. Miss Prudence will now favor us with a song. 
(Miss P. sings some love song ; applause.) The next number 
on our program is, What Reforms Shall We Make When We 
Have the Vote? Mrs. Sager will open the discussion, then we 
hope to hear the views of all present. 

Mrs. D. (rising). I would like to say before leaving the 
last subject, that if women went to Congress, it would simply 
be a case of a House of Mis-Representatives. (Sits.) 

Mrs. H. (rising). And no woman will ever be President 
of the United States. 

Mrs. Y. I'm not so sure of that. 

Mrs. H. No, there never will be a woman candidate, be- 
cause the candidate must be over thirty-five years of age. That 
settles that. (Sits.) 

Mrs. Y. Mrs. Sager. 

Mrs. S. There are so many reforms that we women will 
make that I hardly know where to start, but we certainly can 
check the frightful extravagance that is going on in this coun- 
try. Let us encourage thrift. The chief cause of poverty and 
distress in this town is lack of thrift. You talk of the wolf at 
the door. He never comes to my door. 

Silas (at door). I s'pose he's afraid he'd get skinned if 
he did. (Usual looks of consternation.) 

Mrs. S. I will not be insulted. That is no ghost. It is 
some of these cats of women. (Looks at antis.) 



26 THE SUFFRAGETTES' CONVENTION 

Mrs. Y. I'm sure it isn't, Mrs. Sager. Let us take no no- 
tice of it. Pray proceed. 

Mrs. S. There's a good deal of truth in the old saying, 
" See a pin and pick it up, all the day you'll have good luck." 

Mrs. B. {rising). I rise to object to that statement. One 
day I saw a pin in the street, and remembering the old adage 
which has just been quoted, I stooped to pick it up, my eye- 
glasses fell and broke on the street, my corset string also broke, 
the buttonhole in my collar gave way, I nearly lost my false 
teeth, and a gust of wind took my hat and swept it away up the 
street. I got the pin, but I'll never do it again. 

(Laughter.) 

Mrs. S. Exceptions do but prove the rule. The next re- 
form I would speak of is a law that should provide a way for 
fitting all women for some occupation so that if worst came to 
worst they could keep the wolf from the door. 

Miss Helder. I can do that with my singing. I am sure 
I need never fear the wolf coming to my door. 

Miss Hyacinth. The wolf would never come near if he 
could hear, but suppose he should happen to be deaf? (Miss 
Helder scowls at Miss Hyacinth.) Why are you giving me 
such a hateful look ? 

Miss Helder. You certainly have a hateful look, but I 
didn't give it to you. 

Mrs. Y. (rapping for order). Mrs. Sager, go on with your 
most helpful remarks. 

Mrs. S. Every woman should know how to drive nails. So 
many times a nail is needed around the house. I, myself, can 
drive nails like lightning. 

Silas (at door). That's right. Lightning never strikes 
twice in the same place. 

Mrs. S. I will not stand such insulting remarks, ghost or 
no ghost. 

(Sits down, fanning violently and looking at antis sus- 
piciously.) 

Mrs. Y. That ghost is certainly a very saucy one, but we 
will let it know that it takes more than one man's ghost to break 
up a suffragette meeting. Perhaps Miss Helder will favor us 
with a solo next. That will quiet our nerves. 

(Miss Helder sings, preferably a suffragette song.) 



THE SUFFRAGETTES' CONVENTION 2J 

Miss Helder. What kind of a voice would you call mine ? 
Miss P. I should never call it. I should let it sleep. 
Miss Hyacinth. Isn't the paint and power thick on her 
face? 

Mrs. H. Little grains of powder, 

Little drops of paint 
Make a girl's complexion 
Look like what it ain't. 

Mrs. Y. Mrs. Sager's remarks about the further education 
of women certainly meets my approval, and still some men 
would like to take our girls away from the co-educational col- 
leges. When they do this, as they threaten, what will follow ? 
{Voice pitched very high.) What will follow, I demand ? 

Silas {at door). I will. 

Mrs. Y. Well, I'm glad at least to know that pesky ghost 
isn't a woman hater. 

Mrs. K. I saw your husband on the street last week, Mrs. 
Altman. 

Mrs. A. Did you notice his new teeth ? 

Mrs. K. No, he had his mouth closed. 

Mrs. A. Then it wasn't my husband. — Oh, dear, my hus- 
band is an awful hard man to please. 

Mrs. C. He wasn't always that way. 

Mrs. A. How do you know ? 

Mrs. C. Couldn't have been very hard to please — married 
you, didn't he ? 

Mrs. W. Your husband used to do a good deal of sewing, 
Mrs. Altman. Does he sew much now ? 

Mrs. A. No, he won't even mend his ways. Men are 
curious creatures. 

Mrs. S. Yes, a man is like a watch — known by his works. 

Mrs. W. And by the hours he keeps. 

Mrs. B. And by the spring in him. 

Miss Helder. And by his being sometimes fast. 

Mrs. H. And by the way his hands go up. 

Miss Hyacinth. And by his not always going when you 
want him to. 

Miss P. I'd never want him to go. 

Mrs. Y. {rapping for order). The question for discussion 
is, What Reforms Would We Inaugurate If We Had the Ballot? 
We are ready for suggestions. 

Mrs. C. {rising). We are making great strides. We have 



28 THE SUFFRAGETTES' CONVENTION 

the noiseless baby carriage, now we need the noiseless babv 

hat will take time. One reform I would advocate would be 

hat women should hold all offices now held by mJn We 

aie working in gradually; we have women doctors, lawyers 

etc but I think we should have women policemen (SOs) 

Mrs. D. (rtsmg). How can yon, in your wildest fliehis of 
fancy, imagine an old maid policeman 1 If she d d afrest a 
man, would she take him to the station house? Miss Pru- 
d£ L C , e ' W p 0uld J 0Ut !, ke f man t° ^e station house? 
house N °' 1Ude6d; IM g0 with him t0 the minister's 

Silas (at door). Worse punishment. 
{Groans, sighs, etc.) 

thelaws ' ^^ Sh ° WS h ° W W ° men P° licemen would observe 

Mrs. B. (rising). Our laws are like the ocean— the worst 

Tsuc c^ C Th e e d ^ T^^n W ° me » I^nJ, «HS 
a success. They tried it over in Colgate. A telenhone m« 

sage had been received that there was a butglar in a ce«a?n 

house. The lady cop responded quickly. g *'" 

Mrs. Y. That's more than a man police ever did 

'< TW f * - a braVe T Strugg,e she arrested the burglar 

Don dare to resist or I will shoot," she said. (Ads fut\ 

"Don t shoot lady; I won't resist, but I jest wanted ter tell 

ye" ea* "" "Gra^ ^ ^ g0t T^^ ^ hat fote 
yer ear. "Gracious me! " says she, "I could never think 
of going to the station house like that. Wait here tiU I find ! 
mirror." While she was finding the mirror he >««" the wa 
to escape^ Home is the place for a woman. (Sits ) ' 

Miss Hyacinth. Did you know they were going to vacci- 
nate all the police of the city ? S 

anyfh" N ° "^ ° f ^ A P olicema " "ever catches 

all^st:office ( sTi„ y r I° men Sh ° UW "^ be e ^ d * 
Mrs. Y. Why so, Mrs. Curtis ? 

Mrs. C. Because they understand managing the males. 
Mrs. S. (rising). They could never be judges 
Mrs. C. I'd like to know why g 

it Ae n« t . They ' d pronounce a se "to"ce one day and change 

Mrs. H. (rising). I believe with Mrs. Bates that home is 



THE SUFFRAGETTES CONVENTION 20, 

the place for women. These suffragettes ! What about their 
children? Now, I have a model son; he doesn't use liquor, 
he never chews or smokes and he is never out after supper. 

Mrs. C. How old is your son, Mrs. Harding ? 

Mrs. H. He'll be three months old to-morrow. 

Mrs. A. I suppose you have picked out a profession for 
him. 

Mrs. H. Yes ; we are going to make a doctor of him. 

Mrs. A. Why did you choose that ? 

Mrs. H. Because he always seems so pleased when folks 
stick out their tongues. 

Miss Helder. Dr. Rogers is digging a well in his yard. 
He went out to look at it the other day and fell in. Folks 
said it served him right; it was a doctor's business to tend to 
the sick and let the well alone. (Laughter?) He's a won- 
derful surgeon. He took the lung out of a man. 

Mrs. W. That's nothing. Mrs. Jones left her husband 
and took the heart out of him. 

Mrs. Y. We are getting away from our subject. Perhaps 
Mrs. Dayton can give us some points on this subject. What 
are your boys doing now ? 

Mrs. D. (rising). The year old one is still in the milk 
business, and the oldest one is a director in a bank. 

Mrs. Y. He's pretty young to be a director. 

Mrs. D. He directs postal cards. 

Mrs. K. Haven't you a boy about fourteen? 

Mrs. D. Yes ; he's in the plumbing business — learning to 
hit the pipe. 

Silas (with pipe in mouth). I'd like to have a few whiffs 
myself. 

Mrs. C. It's shocking the way boys smoke nowadays, and 
even girls. Does your daughter smoke, Mrs. Altman ? 

Mrs. A. No, she has promised me that she will not touch 
tobacco until she is of voting age, so I promised I would put a 
hundred dollars in the bank during each year of her minority. 
That will give her a nice little capital to start her career as a 
states woman. 

Mrs. B. Shall you give her a coming-out ball ? 

Mrs. A. No, she's such a strong suffragette she will prob- 
ably keep me busy giving bail. 

Mrs. B. My daughter is to enter society and I don't be- 
lieve there is another girl in this place who has been so thor- 
oughly schooled and enjoyed so many advantages. She has 



30 THE SUFFRAGETTES' CONVENTION 

had her appendix removed, spent a year in a sanatorium, gone 
abroad three times for exhaustion, three times for nervous pros- 
tration, has eloped with the chauffeur, been proposed toby three 
fake counts, and has played in vaudeville. I certainly have 
done my duty in educating my daughter. 

Mrs. C. When women vote they'll put a stop to such 
doings. 

Mrs. W. (rising). I think husbands need training as much 
as children, and I should like to see some drastic laws passed 
about men leaving the theatre between the acts. Only last 
night when we were at the theatre my husband says, "I hear 
an alarm of fire. I must go and see where it is." He came 
sneaking back after awhile and said, "It wasn't a fire after 
all." "No, nor water either," says I. 

Mrs. K. Could you detect by his breath that he had been 
drinking ? 

Mrs. W. No, the story he told took his breath away. 

Mrs. S. (rising). I heartily endorse Mrs. Wood's idea that 
stringent laws are required in that line. My husband had 
promised me not to drink for a year, but the last time we went 
to the theatre he started to go out after the first act. I re- 
minded him of his promise, but he said he only promised for a 
year and two years elapsed between the first and second acts. 

Silas (at door). Isn't it time to pass the refreshments ? 

Mrs. Y. Is our ghost getting hungry ? Perhaps we can 
starve him out. 

Miss P. I very seldom go to the theatre. I always try to 
retire before midnight. I don't like to lose my beauty sleep. 

Miss Helder. Really, Miss Prudence, you should try 
harder. You certainly don't get enough. 

Mrs. K. Were any of you ladies at the theatre the other 
night when the lights went out ? 

Chorus. I wasn't. No, etc. 

Mrs. S. Was there a panic ? 

Mrs. K. There would have been if it hadn't been for the 
presence of mind of an usher. He began to kiss the back of 
his hand very loudly so folks thought if there was any kissing 
going on they'd sit still. 

Miss P. I wish I'd been there. 

Silas. Gee, don't I? 

Mrs. H. (rising). Why don't you teach your husbands to 
obey you? I'd like to see my husband go out between the 
acts. He never disobeyed me but once. 



THE SUFFRAGETTES CONVENTION 



3* 



Mrs. D. That is quite remarkable. 

Mrs. H. Not so very. You ought to see the scar. He had 
his feet up on a chair the other day, and I told him to take his 
feet right off. He looked me square in the eye and said, 
** Mrs. Harding, there is only one person in the world that I 
allow to talk to me like that." I didn't know but I'd have to 
give him another scar ; but he said, as he removed his feet, 
"And that person is you, my dear." Make and enforce your 
own laws about husbands. 

Mrs. B. (rising). I don't seem to be very successful. I 
tried to break my husband of cigarette smoking — pretended to 
faint. 

Miss Helder. Did it scare him so he never indulged 
again ? 

Mrs. B. No, the beast smoked half a dozen while he was 
waiting for me to come to. (Sits.) 

Mrs. D. My husband never smokes. 

Mrs. K. (sneeringly). Suppose you think your husband is 
an angel ? 

Mrs. D. Not yet, but I still have hopes. Black is very 
becoming to me. 

Miss Hyacinth (rising). I think a law should be passed 
forbidding managers of theatres to expect a girl to remove a 
new hat. I had a lovely new hat with a big willow plume. It 
was just too sweet for anything ; but when I wore it to the 
theatre the other night a horrid man back of me asked me to 
take it off. 

Miss Helder. Just like the selfish creatures ! 

Miss Hyacinth. I pretended not to hear him, and in a few 
minutes he had the impertinence to ask again. Then I turned 
to him and said, "There's no demand for my doing so." 
What did the beast do then but roll up his overcoat, sit on it, 
then put his hat on. In a moment everybody around was yell- 
ing, "Take that hat off." I thought they meant me, so I had 
to remove it. Wasn't that a mean trick? (Sits.) 

Mrs. Y. They should have had on the program what I saw 
in one place. " All ladies over forty years of age please keep 
their hats on." Every lady in the house was hatless. 

Miss Helder (rising). I should be in favor of a law re- 
ducing the price of opera tickets. They ask such preposterous 
prices. I paid fifty cents for a ticket, and stood in the or- 
chestra aisle. The manager came along and said that price 
was only for standing room in the gallery. " What do you 



32 THE SUFFRAGETTES CONVENTION 

charge for standing room down here? " I asked. " One dol- 
lar," says he. " Then I'll stand on one foot during the rest of 
the performance," and I did. 

Silas (at door). Just like a hen ! 

Mrs. K. My husband told me the other day that we must 
both economize, so I agreed — told him he could shave himself, 
and I'd cut his hair. That makes me think, did you ladies 
know that Mrs. Robinson died while her husband was in Europe ? 

Miss Hyacinth. Yes ; George met him at the wharf and 
told him. 

Mrs. K. Wasn't it an awful shock to him? 

Miss Hyacinth. It didn't seem to be. He exclaimed, 
when George told him that his wife had died very suddenly, 
" Oh, don't make me laugh. My lips are chapped." 

Mrs. W. Just like the beasts ! 

Mrs. Y. (rapping). Let us return to the subject. 

Mrs. W. [rising). I'd like to see a law passed abolishing 
all men's clubs. I asked my husband the other night if it were 
absolutely necessary for him to go to the club. ** Not abso- 
lutely necessary," replied he, " but I need the rest." I'd abol- 
ish every club in the land. 

Mrs. S. (rising). I used to hate them, too, but since I 
have heard what interesting subjects they discuss, I'm in favor 
of them. 

Mrs. Y. What do you know about their subjects ? 

Mrs. S. Mr. Sager was very late getting home the other 
night, and I was prepared to give him a good curtain lecture, 
but when I heard the reason for his being so late I just didn't. 
They were discussing female beauty, and he said as he had the 
most beautiful wife in the town of course he was authority on 
the subject. (Scornful looks from other women.) No, I think 
some clubs are all right. (Sits. ) 

Mrs. C. (rising). I wish to say that I consider Mrs. Sager 
an easy mark. 1 am told that she even allows her husband to 
carry a latch-key. (Sits.) 

Mrs. Y. Are we rightfully informed, Mrs. Sager ? 

Mrs. S. (rising). Yes, I do let him carry a latch-key, I 
must admit, but it doesn't fit the door. I just let him carry it 
to humor him. He likes to show it to his friends, you know, 
and make them think he is independent. (Sits.) 

Mrs. Y. Perhaps those little concessions do help to bring 
our day of freedom nearer. 

Mrs. K. (rising). I would like to inquire what the hus- 



THE SUFFRAGETTES CONVENTION 



33 



bands say when you suffragettes get home so late from your 
meetings ? 

Mrs. A. (rising). My husband threatens sometimes to go 
home to his mother. (Sits.) 

Mrs. C. (rising). My husband says he is going to get a 
divorce if I don't give up this suffragette business. He says he 
doesn't mind doing the cooking, washing the dishes, and even 
taking care of the children, but he won't stand having pink rib- 
bons run in his night-shirt to fool the baby. Unreason- 
able ! (Sits.) 

Mrs. K. Have you heard that Mr. Goddard is suing for a 
divorce because his wife goes through his pockets ? 

Mrs. S. There'd be a good many divorces if all husbands 
sued on those grounds. 

Mrs. K. I asked my husband what he would do if he woke 
up and found me going through his pockets, and he said he'd 
get up and help me look if there was any chance of finding 
money. 

Mrs. D. (rising). He wasn't so cruel as my husband. He 
woke up when I was looking over his pockets and asked what 
I was doing, so I told him I was only sewing on a button that 
was off. He got right out of bed, found three buttons on his 
coat, two on his vest and six on his underclothes that were 
about ready to drop off, sat there and made me sew them on, 
me just freezing and he telling what a loving little woman I was 
to crawl out of bed a cold night to sew buttons on his 
clothes. (Sits.) 

Silas (at door). Ha, ha ! That's the best joke I've heard 
for a long time. 

Mrs. Y. That spirit again ! He's been quiet so long I 
thought he must have returned to his underground abode. Are 
there any more suggestions about husband training ? I think 
Mrs. Dayton surely needs a few. 

Mrs. W. Firmness is all she needs. Why didn't she give 
him a scar like Mrs. Harding ? Wood used to try to bulldoze 
me, but he's got all over it. This is the way that Wood went 
home before he took a wife. (Reels across stage and back. ) He 
was on deck for joy rides or whatever else was rife. He was 
out late six times a week and led a frisky life. But now he 
comes straight home like this (walking quickly and very 
straight), and stays there you can bet. He's had to learn a 
thing or two he never will forget. He dares not stay out late 
because he's wed a suffragette. 



34 the suffragettes' convention 

Silas (at door). Poor cuss ! 

Mrs. Y. We shall have to leave this subject. Are there 
any other reforms to suggest ? 

Miss P. (rising). I should like to have laws passed forbid- 
ding the wearing of such looking dresses and hats. (Looks 
hard at Miss Helder.) It is a disgrace to our sex. It's a 
positive danger to ride in the street cars now. I was riding in 
a car last night and a lady, if you could call her that, got on 
and bowed to an acquaintance. The end of the quill in her 
hat jabbed a poor dear, darling man in the face (I longed to 
kiss him), gouged out an eye, and his eye stuck on the end of 
the quill. "Excuse me, madam, I'd like my eye if you don't 
mind," he said. "How dare you speak to a strange lady? 
I'll have you arrested for trying to flirt with me," was the an- 
swer he got. It's high time we did a little progressing on the 
dress question. It is ruinous to health as well as a menace to 
others. If we dressed as we should we'd soon be as strong as 
a woman I met the other day. She had just had typhoid fever, 
was convalescing, so she was working over to Howard's dig- 
ging post holes while she was getting back her strength. Don't 
know what she plans to do when she gets well. Every time a 
stylish woman changes her dress some one has to be Johnnie on 
the spot to hook or unhook her. They remind me of a clock 
— all face and figure, no head to speak of, very hard to stop 
after it is wound up, and has a striking way of calling attention 
to itself at every hour of the day. {Again looks at Miss 
Helder.) Let us remedy this evil by our vote. Look at the 
hobble skirt. It reminds me of an umbrella poorly rolled up. 

Silas (at door). Umbrellas can be shut up and they can't. 

Mrs. K. Why is a woman like an umbrella ? 

Mrs. D. Because she's made of ribs and attached to a stick. 

Mrs. K. No. 

Mrs. S. Because nobody ever gets the right one. 

Mrs. K. No. 

Mrs. W. Because she fades with age. 

Mrs. K. No. 

Mrs. A. Because she's a good thing to have in the house. 

Mrs. K. No, I'll tell you why a woman is like an umbrella. 
She's accustomed to reign (rain). See? 

Miss Helder (rising). I object to Miss Prudence's re- 
mark. I don't believe the gown that fastens up the back 
brings out any more cuss words than Dr. Mary Walker's collar 
buttons. 



THE SUFFRAGETTES CONVENTION 35 

Miss P. How much better it would be if we dressed like 
Eve. 

Miss Helder. What would have been the use of Eve's 
wearing clothes when there was no other woman to be jealous 
of them ? 

Miss P. Then look at the false hair some women wear. 
Why do they put the hair of another person on their heads ? 
I'm sure I wouldn't. Look at my hair, all my own. 

{Turns so all may see. Laughter.) 

Miss Helder. Why do you put the skin of another animal 
on your feet, I'd like to ask, Miss Prudence? Why don't you 
go barefooted ? {Sits.') 

Mrs. Y. I agree with Miss Prudence that there should be 
a reform in dress. I dress as much like a man as possible, 
and the proudest moment of my life was when I fell over the 
side of a ship and a sailor called out, " Man overboard ! " 

Miss P. I want to say in closing my remarks on dress that 
lemons do not always come wrapped up in tissue paper. 
Lemons come to some men nowadays wrapped up in princess 
gowns or hobble skirts. (Sits.) 

Mrs. Y. What other reforms would this meeting like to 
endorse ? 

Mrs. K. (rising). I'd like to have cleaner money. There 
was a frightful loss of life at my house this morning when I 
accidentally burned a dollar bill. Ten thousand microbes 
went to their death instantly. (Sits.) 

Silas (at door). I'd risk the microbes. 

Mrs. C. (rising). I would pass laws for stricter examina- 
tions for druggists. I am always very particular to inquire 
carefully before I order anything in a drug store. It is a mat- 
ter of life and death. The other day I went into Mr. Hunt's 
store and asked Mr. Allen, who works there, if he was a chemist 
and druggist. He said he was. " Have you been in the busi- 
ness a number of years?" "I have." "Understand the 
business thoroughly?" "I do." "Registered?" "Yes." 
" That your certificate over there ? " " Yes." I walked over, 
read it, and it seemed to be all right, so I ordered five cents 
worth of tooth powder sent up to the house, but I don't know 
yet if he was properly qualified. Let us have stricter laws for 
druggists. (Sits.) 

Mrs. H. (rising). Is there a Christian Scientist in this room ? 

Mrs. S. I am a Christian Scientist. 



36 THE SUFFRAGETTES ? CONVENTION 

Mrs. H. Would you mind changing seats with me ? I feel 
a draft. 

Mrs. S. Certainly. There is no draft. It is simply an 
error. 

{They change seats.) 

Mrs. Y. Any other reforms ? 

Mrs. K. {rising). I think before women are fit to vote 
they should learn to show more politeness to their own sex. 
Woman is woman's best friend, after all. Even when she is 
getting married, doesn't a man give her away and her maids 
stand up for her ? {Raises voice.) Who has done the most 
to elevate woman ? Who, I say, has done the most to elevate 
woman ? 

Silas (at door). The man that invented those high French 
heels. 

Mrs. Y. Our ghost is growing witty. 

Mrs. K. What is it that binds us together and makes us 
better than we are by nature ? 

Silas {at door). Corsets ! 

Mrs. K. Oh, if I could only get my hands on that ghost, 
if ghost he be. Let us be helpful to one another. Let us tell 
one another of our faults. 

Mrs. C. {rising). I would like to say that I tried that once. 

Mrs. K. How did it work ? 

Mrs. C. We haven't spoken since. {Sits.) 

Mrs. K. Perhaps you did it in a rude manner. I am sur- 
prised every day to see how polite women can be to men and 
how rude to one another. Just yesterday I saw two women 
coming from opposite directions. One was looking in a store 
window, the other was watching something across the street. 
They ran into one another. Both scowled and glared. One 
said: "You clumsy thing, do you want the earth?" " I 
should think you did," the other replied. 

Mrs. W. They ought to have been looking where they 
were going. Just like a couple of women ! 

Mrs. K. There it is — always maligning your sex. A little 
further down the street one of these same women ran into a 
young man. She smiled and said, "I beg your pardon," in 
her sweetest tones. He replied, tapping his hat, " Don't 
mention it, please." 

Mrs. B. {rising). That makes me think of Mr. Austin. 
He's dreadfully absent-minded. The other day he ran against 



THE SUFFRAGETTES CONVENTION 



37 



a cow. He raised his hat and said, "I beg your pardon, 
madam," before he discovered it was a cow. Then he began 
to think deeply again with head down and stumbled against 
Mrs. Alger. Without looking up he said, to her amazement, 
" Is that you again, you brute ? " 

(Laughter.} 

Miss P. (rising). We should be kind to men and women 
both. As I was coming here to-day I saw, lying in a drunken 
stupor, a poor fellow man. Men and women hurried by him 
with merely a curious glance, but as I passed the thought came 
to me that he was still a man — a man — perhaps a loved hus- 
band and father. So kneeling, I brushed aside the hair from 
his face and brow and kissed him. 

Silas (at door). Terrible punishment, but it served him 
just right. 

Miss P. I'd even kiss that ghost if I could find him. 

Silas. Gosh, it's getting dangerous here ! 

Miss Helder (rising). I think women are just too mean 
for anything. I met Mrs. Harlow on the street car and 
offered to pay her fare, and would you believe me, the mean 
thing let me. 

Mrs. H. (rising). I don't think women are one bit more 
hateful than men. I used to typewrite for an old bald-headed 
crank of a man who was never suited with anything. One 
morning he was specially ugly and yelled out, "Look at my 
desk ! Is that the way to keep my desk? " "But you told 
me never to touch your desk," I said. "Well, I told you not 
to disturb my papers, but look at this sheet of postage stamps. 
I don't want them here." "Where shall I put them?" I 
asked. "Put them anywhere," he growled; "anywhere out 
of my sight." So I just gave them one good lick with my 
tongue, stuck the whole sheet of postage stamps on his old 
bald head and left the job. (Sits. Laughter.) 

Mrs. A. (rising). I find that men are usually polite to all 
women except their own wives. I was riding in an electric 
car the other day where a woman was standing, trying to hold 
on to a strap. I said to the man sitting next to me, "Why 
don't you get up and give that lady your seat ? " He laughed 
so that he could hardly speak; finally he managed to say, 
"That is a joke on you. That ain't no lady. That's my 
wife." (Sits. Laughter.) 

Mrs. D. (rising). I think one of the first laws we women 



38 THE SUFFRAGETTES' CONVENTION 

should make would be one compelling men to give women 
their seats in a car. (Sits.) 

Miss Hyacinth (rising). Have you heard the joke on 
Miss Helder ? 

Miss Helder. I'll never speak to you again if you tell 
that, Rosabelle Hyacinth. 

Miss Hyacinth. Oh, it's too good to keep. 

Chorus. Tell us. Do tell, etc. 

Miss Hyacinth. We entered a car where every seat was 
taken, so Anna whispered to me, "I'm going to get one of 
these men to give me his seat. You just watch me." She 
looked over the men, selected a middle-aged gentleman, walked 
up to him and began (acting out), " My dear Mr. Jones, how 
glad I am to meet you ! I haven't seen you for ages. Will I 
accept your seat ? I am awfully tired. Thank you so much." 
The gentleman looked, listened, quietly arose and gave her his 
seat, saying, "Sit down, Bridget, my girl. Don't often see 
you out on washing day. Of course you are tired. How is 
your mistress ? " But Anna decided she didn't care for that seat. 

Silas. Ha, ha ! That's a good one. 

Mrs. S. That ghost is getting on my nerves. 

Miss Helder (rising). I do hope when women vote every- 
thing will be made sweet and dainty for them. This clipping 
is just my idea of how things should be. (Reads.) 

A FASHIONABLE FUNCTION 

There'll be a band in every booth 

To play all day, you bet, 
And tables small, with chocolate cake 

And tea and favors set, 
And members of the press on hand 

Their gems and gowns to note, 
And print their names and photographs, 

When women vote. 

The ballot, daintily engraved, 

Will be a pretty sheet 
In lovely pastel colors pale, 

With sachet powder sweet. 
Gilt paint will give the ballot box 

A new and brilliant coat, 
And bows of ribbon tie it up, 

When women vote. 



THE SUFFRAGETTES CONVENTION 39 

The rabble will no longer be 

Admitted as of yore, 
Each guest will have to show a card 

To lackeys at the door. 
And foremost in the social swim 

A candidate must float, 
If he would be a nominee, 

When women vote. (Sits.) 

Mrs. A. Fol-de-rol. I don't care about the fixings if we 
only get the vote. We'd soon have women getting man's wages 
then. 

Silas. Don't they, now? My wife gets all mine. 

Mrs. Y. {in awed whisper). Ladies, do ghosts have wives ? 

(Shaking of heads. "Don't believe so," etc.) 

Mrs. H. They say there is no marrying in heaven. 

Miss P. Oh, dear, there's no hope for me in the other world 
then ! 

Mrs. Y. Are there any other reforms the ladies would like 
to mention before we proceed to the next number ? 

Mrs. K. (rising). I'd like to see some laws passed reform- 
ing store management. It's perfectly awful. I went to a 
counter in Rice's the other day and asked for a pair of shoe- 
strings, some hairpins, half a dozen handkerchiefs and a belt 
buckle. I had only twenty minutes to get my car, and the 
clerk stopped chewing gum long enough to tell me that I would 
find the shoe-strings on the tenth floor, the hairpins on the third, 
the handkerchiefs at the extreme rear of the eighth, and the 
belt buckles in the basement. 

Mrs. C. Of course you got your train ? 

Mrs. K. Yes, next day. (Sits.) 

Mrs. B. Things are high enough. They might at least 
make it convenient to get them. 

Miss Hyacinth. Some things are very cheap now. 

Mrs. B. I should like to know one thing that is cheap. 

Miss Hyacinth. You can get all the perfumery you want 
for a cent (scent). 

Miss Helder. I found a bargain in a beautiful embroidered 
handkerchief for five dollars. 

Silas. Five dollars ! Gee, that's a lot of money to blow in. 

Mrs. Y. Let us have one more search for that creature. 



jj.0 THE SUFFRAGETTES' CONVENTION 

If it is a man I'd like the satisfaction of finding him. {All 
search again.) It must be a spirit that melts into thin air after 
speaking. 

Mrs. H. (rising'). Speaking of bargains, have you ladies 
been to the sale at Macy's ? 

Mrs. S. Yes, I went. Didn't they have the greatest 
bargains ? 

Mrs. W. My, but wasn't it a jam ? The cars were packed, 
the streets were packed, the store was packed. 

Mrs. H. Have you seen the piece of poetry one of our 
gifted townswomen wrote about it ? 

Chorus. I didn't see it. I saw it, etc., etc. 

Mrs. H. It was in the paper, and I cut it out. I think I 
have it in my bag. {Hunts a second.) Yes, here it is. {Reads.) 

THE CHARGE OF THE BARGAIN BRIGADE 

Half a block. Half a block. 
Half a block onward. 
Packed into trolley cars 

Rode the Six Hundred. 
Maidens and matrons hale, 
Spinsters tall, slim and pale, 
On to the Bargain Sale 

Rode the Six Hundred. 

Autos to right of them, 
Hansoms to left of them, 
Flying machines over them 

Rattled and thundered. 
Forward through all the roar, 
On through the crowd they bore 
To Macy's Cloak and Suit Store, 

Rode the Six Hundred. 

When at the mart of trade, 

Stern-faced and unafraid, 

Oh, the wild charge they made I 

All the clerks wondered. 
Theirs not to make reply, 
Theirs not to reason why, 
Theirs but to sell and pacify, 

All the Six Hundred. 



THE SUFFRAGETTES CONVENTION 4 1 

On bargains still intent, 
Homeward the buyers went, 
With cash and patience spent 

And friendship sundered. 
What though their hats sport dents, 
What though their gowns show rents, 
They have saved dollars and cents. 

Noble Six Hundred. (Sits.) 

Mrs. C. (rising). I think our minds should be occupied 
with weightier matters, and I move you, Mr. Chairman, that 
we proceed to the next number on our program. 

Silas. Are they never going home ? I'm getting sick of it. 

Mrs. Y. I suppose you have heard the story of the Ger- 
man who took out his first naturalization papers. As he was 
leaving the court room they noticed he was scanning very 
closely the official envelope which enclosed the document. In 
a few days he appeared at the court room again and smilingly 
said to the clerk of the court, "Veil, here I vos." "Glad to 
see you," replied the clerk, "but would you mind telling me 
who you are and why you are here ? ' ' The man looked much 
surprised, drew out the official envelope and pointing to the 
printing on the corner of it read, " ' Return in five days.' So 
here I vos." (Laughter.) In view of the fact that there has 
been so much said about women not knowing how to register, 
I thought it might be wise to have a little practice at this meet- 
ing. Mrs. Curtis, will you be the registrar ? (Mrs. C. takes 
seat at small table with pencil and paper.) Now, Mrs. Wood, 
will you kindly be the one who wishes to register ? Just walk 
up to Mrs. Curtis as if you really were going to register. 
(Mrs. W., after some whispering and delay, walks up to table.) 
Now do just exactly as you would do if it were the real thing. 

Mrs. W. Is this where voters register ? 

Mrs. C. Yes, this is the place. 

Mrs. W. Well, I guess I'll let you put my name down. 

Mrs. C. Very well, madam ; your full name, please. 

Mrs. W. Land sakes ! Do I have to give you all of it ? 

Mrs. C. Yes. 

Mrs. W. And tell my real age, too ? 

Mrs. C. Certainly. 

Mrs. W. It's a shame to expect a woman that doesn't look 
a day over thirty-five to have to say she's fifty, but that's it if 
you've got to know. 



42 THE SUFFRAGETTES' CONVENTION 

Mrs. C. Where were you born ? 

Mrs. W. Goodness sakes ! Any need of telling that ? 

Mrs. C. That is one of the necessary questions. 

Mrs. W. Well, I was born about two miles north and three 

miles west of Sidney, on the old Quaker road that runs 

Mrs. C. That will do. What precinct are you in ? 

Mrs. W. Precinct ? What on earth is a precinct ? 

Mrs. C. Don't you know what a precinct is, and don't 
you know what assembly district you're in ? 

Mrs. W. Land ! No, indeed. 

Mrs. C. Then you'd better learn. Here, sign your name. 

Mrs. W. This place ? 

Mrs. C. No, on this line. 

Mrs. W. 1 can't write with my glove on. 

Mrs. C. Take it off then. 

{After some delay Mrs. W. gets name signed.") 

Mrs. W. It seems to me there is an awful lot of red tape 
or whatever you call it about this registering business. I de- 
clare, if you have to go through all this rig-a-ma-role I don't 
know as I want to vote. 

Mrs. C. Now raise your right hand while I swear you. 

Mrs. W. Swear me ! And you a church-member ! 

Mrs. C. I want you to take the oath. 

Mrs. W. Well, it's all true, every word of it, and if 
you 

(Silas, who has had head out much interested in the pro- 
ceedings, gives a terrific sneeze, then dodges back quickly 
into the closet.) 

Mrs. Y. That settles it. No ghost could sneeze like that. 
We are going to find that man. 

(All search.) 

Mrs. D. (trying closet door). I believe he is in here. 
Come and help, and we'll open it if we have to pull it off the 
hinges. 

(Several pull at door which flies open; two grab Silas; 
the others rush at him, all, except Miss P., trying to strike 
him. He falls down; they yank him to his feet, giving 
him several shakes.) 



THE SUFFRAGETTES' CONVENTION 43 

Miss P. Oh, it's a man, a real live man ! Don't hurt the 
dear thing ! Oh, don't kill him ! Give him to me ! 

Silas. Oh, no ! no ! Kill me first ! 

Mrs. A. It's Silas Curtis ! Have you anything to say for 
yourself, you villain ? {Strikes him with broom.') 

Silas {holding up hands to ward off blows). Spare my life 
and let me go home to my wife who is sick. 

Mrs. C. {grabbing him by the collar). That's a lie. I'm 
sick, am I ? {Gives him a shake.) There, take that for hiding 
in the closet like a sneak and then lying. Thought you were 
funny, didn't you ? You won't think it's so funny when I get 
you home. Are you in favor of woman suffrage now ? 

Silas. No, I am not. 

(Mrs. C. shakes him and throws him on the floor.) 

Mrs. C. Did you say you wasn't in favor of woman suf- 
frage, Silas Curtis ? 

Silas {scrambling up). You must have misunderstood me, 
my dear wife. I am in favor of woman suffrage; alius hev 
been and alius will be. {Waves hands over head.) Hooray 
for woman suffrage ! Woman suffrage forever ! 

Mrs. C. {giving him another shake). Very well. Now 
march straight home and wash the dishes you sneaked off and 
left, then go out in the barn and sleep in the haymow. 

Chorus. Go, and be thankful we didn't kill you outright. 

Silas. Thank you, I am, ladies. Hooray for woman 
suffrage ! 



CURTAIN 



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Thirteen male, three female characters. Costumes appropriate ; scenery 
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dramatic sketch with a star part for a woman. Has been used profession- 
ally in vaudeville. Good character and strong situations ; can be strongly 
recommended either for professional use in vaudeville or for private per- 
formance. Professional acting rights reserved. 
Price, 15 cents 

MOR'D ALICE 

A Vaudeville Sketch in One Act 
By Marion Roger Fawcett 

One male, two female characters. Costumes modern ; scene, an easy 
interior. Plays fifteen minutes. A very slight but pretty and effective 
mingling of pathos and humor for an eccentric soubrette. Can be recom- 
mended. 

Price, 13 cents 

THE ALARM 

A Vaudeville Sketch in One Act 

By Marion Roger Fawcett 

Two male characters who double two other parts. Costumes modern ; 

scene, an easy interior. A very dramatic sketch for a man, with a situation 

of much power and pathos. Recommended. 

Price, 1 j cents 



New Plays 



HOW JIM MADE GOOD 

A Comedy-Drama in Four Acts 

By Charles S. Bird 
Seven males, three females ; two male parts can be doubled. Costumes, 
modern; scenery, three interiors. Plays two hours. An unusually sym- 
pathetic play, well suited to amateurs. Clean and easy to get up. Recom- 
mended to high schools. All the parts are good. 
Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 

(As originally produced December 9, 1910, in the Opera House \ 
Natrona, Pa., for the benefit of the Ladies Industrial So- 
ciety of the Natrona Presbyterian Church.') 

Eben Lovejoy, of Hillside farm . . . . C. S. Bird. 

Jim Jones, a farm hand; good as gold . . Edward Lemon. 

Walter Wayne, the new schoolmaster . . . Roy Cook. 

Steve Hammond, a ne er-do-well ; Eben s nephew . Edward Dean. 

Si St aples, landlord of the Hillside Hotel . . Jacob Carr. 

Tabez Elder, a member of the schoolboard ) ^ 7 T ,. 

A Tramp, who makes good . . . \ Thomas Lar dm. 

Mrs. Lovejoy, Eben s wife, who believes in Jim . Agnes Bird. 

Lucy Lovejoy, her daughter, -whom you cant help 

loving Mabel Sneb old. 

Cora Harlow, the Lovejoys % "help" ; a born tease. Mary Larson. 

SYNOPSIS 
Act I. — Sitting-room at Hillside Farm. 
Act IT. — The Lovejoys' Kitchen. 
Act III— Office of the Hillside Hotel. 
Act IV.— -Same as Act I. 

ALL ABOUT ADAM 

A Comedy in Two Acts 

By Alice C. Thompson 

One male, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery, two interiors. 

Plays one hour. A very easy and effective play of that much wanted 

class that calls for more women than men. Just a sweet, clean little play 

Suited to any one that wants something nice and wholesome. 

Price, 13 cents 

AN ALARM OF FIRE 

A Farce in One Act 

By H S. Griffith 

Three males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior. 

Plays thirty minutes. A capital little piece narrating the incidents of an 

interrupted proposal. All parts good ; one very effective stuttering char« 

acter. Clean, bright and amusing. Can be recommended for schools. 

Price, 15 cents 



Novelties 



THE VILLAGE POST-OFFICE 

An Entertainment in One Scene 
By Jessie A. Kelley 
Twenty-two males and twenty females are called for, but one person 
may take several parts and some characters may be omitted. The stage 
is arranged as a country store and post-office in one. Costumes are rural 
and funny. Plays a full evening. A side-splitting novelty, full of " good 
lines " and comical incident and character. One continuous laugh from 
beginning to end. Strongly recommended for church entertainments or 
general use j very wholesome and clean. 

Price, 25 cents 

MISS PRIM'S KINDERGARTEN 

An Entertainment in One Scene 

By Jessie A. Kelley 

Ten males, eleven females. No scenery or curtain needed ; costumes 

introduce grown people dressed as children. Plays an hour and a half. 

A modern, up-to-date version of the popular " District School," full of 

laughs and a sure hit with the audience. All the parts very easy except 

the Teacher's, and as it is possible for her to use a book, the entertainment 

can be got up with exceptional ease and quickness. Can be recommended, 

Price y 25 cents 

THE VISIT OF OBADIAH 

A Farce in Two Acts 
By Eunice Fuller and Margaret C. Lyon 
Thirteen females. Costumes modern ; scene, an easy interior, the same 
for both acts. Plays an hour. A clever and original play, suited for 
school or college performance. Full of incident and offers a great variety 
of character and great opportunity for pretty dressing. Irish and negro 
comedy parts. Price, 25 cents 

A PAN OF FUDGE 

A Comedy in One Act 
By Maude B. Simes 
Six females. Costumes, modern ; scene, an easy interior. Plays twenty- 
five minutes. A bright little boarding-school sketch, at once amusing and 
sympathetic ; tone high and quality good. Confidently recommended to 
young ladies as an effective piece easy to get up. 
Price, 15 cents 
Sent, post-paid, on receipt of price, by 

BAKER, 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Mass, 



New Rural Plays 



VALLEY FARM 

A Drama in Four Acts 

By Arthur Lewis Tubbs 
Six males, six females. Scenery, two interiors and an exterior. Cos- 
tumes modern. This play is powerfully emotional, but is relieved by 
plenty of humor. An admirable play for amateurs, very sympathetic in 
theme, and with lots of good parts. Hetty is a strong lead, and Perry 
Deane and Silas great parts ; while Azariah, Lizy Ann Tucker and Ver- 
bena are full of fun. Plays a full evening. 
Price, 25 cents 

WILLOWDALE 

A Play in Three Acts 

By Arthur Lewis Tubbs 
Seven males, five females. Scenery, two easy interiors; costumes 
modern. This is a play of exceptional interest and power. Its combina- 
tion of humor and emotional interest makes it almost certain to please any 
audience. Admirably suited for amateur performance, all the parts being 
good. Godfrey is an admirable heavy part, Joel, Lem and Simon capital 
character parts, Mis'' Hazey a novel eccentric bit, and Oleander a part of 
screaming comedy. Plays two hours and a quarter. 
Price, 25 cents 

DOWN IN MAINE 

A Drama in Four Acts 

By Charles Townsend 
Eight male, four female characters. This charming play is Mr. 
Townsend's masterpiece. There are no villains, no " heroics," no tangled 
plot nor sentimental love-scenes ; yet the climaxes are strong, the action 
brisk, and the humor genial, and the characters strongly drawn. Can be 
played in any hall ; scenery, of the easiest sort. No shifting during any 
act. Properties, few and simple ; costumes modern. Plays a full evening 
Strongly recommended. 

Price, 23 cents 

BAR HAVEN 

A Comedy in Three Acts 

By Gordan V, May 
Six males, five females. Costumes modern ; scenery, two interiors 

and an exterior, not difficult. Plays two hours. An excellent piece, 
cleverly mingling a strongly serious interest with abundant humor. Offers 
a great variety of good parts of nearly equal opportunity. Admirably 
suited for amateur performance, and strongly recommended* 

Price,, 2$ Gent* 



H. VJ. Pinero's Plays 

Price, SO Cents €acb 



Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. 
Plays two and. a half hours. 

THE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITH 2S*5i$K 

males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery, all interiors. 
Plays a full evening. 



females. Scenery, three interiors, rather 
elaborate ; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF QfHnni MKTRFQQ Farce in Three Acts. Nine males, 
lllEi Jlsm/ULilYlliJ 1 RSLDO seven females. Costumes, mod- 
ern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY tS&SEffc 

females. Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a 
full evening. 

QWFFT I AVFNHFI? Comedy in Three Acts. Seven males, 
iJTVLiCil IxftVEilliSEiA. four females. Scene, a single interior, 
costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

TUF TUITWnPRRniT Comedy in Four Acts. Ten males, 

inEi inUHOEADULl nine females. Scenery, three interi- 
ors; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF TIMF^L Comedy in Four Acts. Six males, seven females. 
lUG 1 llTlEikJ Scene, a single interior; costumes, modern. Plays 
a full evening. 

THF WFAKTR QFY Comedy in Three Acts. Eight males, 
1 IlEi TT £i/i.lv£ilv DEi A eight females. Costumes, modern ; 
scenery, two interiors. Plays a full evening. 

A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE SS«S 

Costumes, modern ; scene, a single interior. Plays a full evening. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Waiter %. pafeer & Company 

No.. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




017 400 029 3 • 



OCT 15 1912 



decent popular $iaps 



TBE AWAKENING 

cult, chiefly interiors 
Price, 50 Cents. 

TBE FRUITS OF ENLIGHTENMENT g^ 



Play in Four Acts. By C. H. Chambers. 
Four males, six females. Scenery, not difti- 
; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 



BIS EXCELLENCY THE GOVERNOR 



AN IDEAL HUSBAND 



Four Acts. 
L. Tolstoi. Twenty - 
one males, eleven females. Scenery, characteristic interiors ; cos- 
tumes, modern. Plays a full evening. Recommended for reading 
clubs. Price, 25 Cents. 

Farce in Three Acts. By 
P. Marshall. Ten 

males, three females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior. 

Acting rights reserved. Time, a full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 

Comedy in Four Acts. By Oscar Wilde. 

Nine males, six females. Costumes, mod- 
ern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. Acting rights 
reserved. Sold for reading. Price, 50 Cents. 

TBE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST j£Z« % S52S 

Wilde. Five males, four females. Costumes, modern ; scenes, two 
interiors and an exterior. Plays a full evening. Acting rights re- 
served. Price, 50 Cents. 

LADY WINDERMERE'S FAN M^M eB E »= 

males. Costumes, modern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full 
evening. Acting rights reserved. Price, 50 Cents. 

NATHAN HAI V Pla 5 r in Eour Acts - B ? CLYI)rE Fitch. Fifteen 
ilAlllilli llALih males, four females. Costumes of the eighteenth 
century in America. Scenery, four interiors and two exteriors. Act- 
ing rights reserved. Plays a full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 

THP OTHER FPIIflW Comedy in Three Acts. ByM. B. Horne. 
lULt UlULtt riXMJTT six males, four females. Scenery, two 
interiors ; costumes, modern. Professional stage rights reserved. 
Plays a full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 

TBE TYRANNY OF TEARS gSS££.3££k££ £ 

males. Scenery, an interior and an exterior; costumes, modern. 
Acting rights reserved. Plays a full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 

Comedy in Four Acts. By 
Oscar Wilde. Eight males, 
seven females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, three interiors and an 
exterior. Plays a full evening. Stage rights reserved. Offered for 
reading only. Price, 50 Cents. 



A WOMAN OF NO IMPORTANCE 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Salter 1^ iBa&er & Company 

No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



NTERS. BOSTON- 



